10.15am, March, Sedona, AZ, COVID
I speed down the winding hill past the school. Mountains shine in the distance. Glowing red rocks, cut at strange angles. The sun glares in my face as I turn off the highway, twisting around corners as fast as I can.
The red rocks give way to pine and juniper trees, past a few desolate houses until the paved road turns to dirt.
I kill the engine and look around to make sure no one saw me.
The silence of the desert. For miles and miles.
I grab the locked metal box and hurry up the path through the scrub, past the cactus and dry grass until I see the old tree.
No one would know.
Tiptoeing off the beaten path, I try my best to leave no trace. Behind the tree, the grey rocks sit in a pile exactly where I remember them. I pry them aside, drop the metal box into the hole I'd carved out before, and heave everything back into place.
I step back and look carefully. Fresh eyes.
I crouch and look again.
There is no way anyone would know. And why would anyone be all the way out here anyway?
My heart calms a little as I carefully retrace my steps back down the path. Jump back in the car and pull away, dust flying behind me.
On the drive back, a smile creeps up on my face.
A small victory.
Something heavy lifts. A sense of exhilaration bubbles up.
I roll the window down and let the desert air play with my hair. The mountains look different now. Brighter.
More magnificent. Glowing.
I can breathe.
…
When I walk back into my house, the whole place — the house, the world, my mind — feels lighter. Bigger. Expanded.
I feel like I've been released from jail. Or recovered from an illness.
The whole world has more air in it. More light, more colour.
I can actually see things.
That night I sleep more deeply than I have in years.
The next morning I wake to another world, because I know I have space now. A week later I barely recognise my life or myself. My brain and thoughts have slowed down. Time has expanded.
I notice the stars and the moon. I hold conversations differently. I sit in the sun and just am. I sip my tea in my little rose garden and can actually feel grateful for life.
I feel so good I worry if what I'm doing is illegal. Have I somehow tricked the system and now someone is coming for me?
But I know it won't last.
13 days later everything collapses.