Most of us could be happier, wealthier, healthier and living at a higher level than we are. Why aren’t we? Why don’t we already have the freedom and mastery we desire? What’s in the way?
Is it because we don’t have access to the right information? Not likely. Most of us are drowning in knowledge of what to do. We’re just not doing it. Are we stuck because we don’t have time? Hardly! We spend countless hours on pointless things and could easily claim back time if we didn’t waste it in low-value tasks and obsessive e-media use. Are we just so happy with our lives that we don’t want more? I doubt it. Most people report feeling restless and not good enough. So what is really holding us back?
From what I can see, in most cases, the reason for feeling stalled and living below our potential is that we are stuck in our comfort zone, cozy in our self-created cages and telling ourselves stories about our lives that keep us stuck. We get stuck because e-media allows us to remain so distracted that it’s almost impossible to move forward and go to the next level.
If we spend about a third of our lives messing about with notifications and low-value entertainment, we are unable to face ourselves, do the deep work and break free into a higher level of being and success. However, because we’re so overwhelmed just trying to keep up with the endless distractions and notifications, it’s quite possible we don’t realize we are trapped and limiting ourselves. We can be so divorced from our intuition and consciousness, lost in a false story about what is really going on that we can’t hear that little voice of reason. It’s like living inside our own private cage and not realizing it.
Why Digital Distraction Can Look Normal Even When It Is Causing Harm
So I’ll admit it publicly, I’m a distraction addict and I’ve been lying to myself about it for many years. If I’m honest, my love of distraction has sabotaged my own level of happiness and freedom. My desire to go online and mindlessly checking my phone has trapped me in a golden cage and limited my potential for growth. And, if I’m radically honest, I’m not happy with it. However, one of the biggest problems with e-media addiction is that—unlike drug, alcohol, gambling or sex addiction—most people would not consider it a genuine one because so many others do exactly the same thing.
Our excessive e-media distraction has become normalized. It’s like living in a community where everyone is an alcoholic and so drinking a lot is considered the norm, not the exceptions. In this situation, someone who feels perhaps they are overdoing it, will be comforted by the other addicts and told, “No, really. It’s fine. Perhaps you could drink a little less whiskey, but wine and beer is fine. Don’t worry about it. You’re not drinking in the morning so it’s okay if you drink the rest of the day.”
Krishnmurti famously said: “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” So just because other people are also addicts doesn’t make it okay for us. It just means we’re living in a highly dysfunctional society. It’s like the emperor’s new clothes. Everyone was so caught up in the hype that only the innocent mind of a child could call out the truth that the emperor was naked.
Until we face up to reality and change our story, we won’t be able to move forward. Real change requires real time, real honesty and focus on what matters most. Excessive, mindless use of e-media makes us lazy, numb and deluded.
We can’t have it both ways.
In 12-step recovery programs, the first step to recovery is to admit you have a problem. This means to acknowledge the faulty stories that have been playing in your head and facing the truth. So what are stories and how do they influence the way we perceive the world?
The Stories We Tell Ourselves Shape How We Use Technology
In his book, The Power of Story, Jim Loehr explains how the stories we tell ourselves directly impact our actions, shaping our lives and destinies. In many ways, life is an elaborate story. We watch the news to discover the latest news stories; when we talk to friend we want to know what’s new and what the story is. We spend countless hours telling ourselves stories about our lives and others and we even invent stories and make them into books, movies and plays.
Story is everywhere. We see stories on the back of product packaging. In the health-food store, they tell us how these organic snacks came to be and why we should feel good about buying them. When there are political elements, the ones with the most compelling stories almost always win. Everywhere you look, you’ll see a story or you can easily invent one. Story is the medium through which wisdom was handed down through generations. Even most of the world’s scriptures are presented as stories.
But the most powerful story of all is the one we tell ourselves. If our stories are true and get us where we want to go in our lives, then they support us. If they are faulty, deluded or dysfunctional, they trap us.
Write Down the Story That Excuses or Protects the Old Pattern
Telling ourselves warped stories make it impossible to change. Only when we stop lying to ourselves and tell a new story can we create real changes. To tell a good story, we need to face our dysfunctional stories head on and admit where they have failed us.
Here’s a story from a friend who we’ll call David. It’s not about technology, but it illustrates an important point.
David was a stocky 24-year-old with a lot of restless energy and dark penetrating eyes. More than anything he wanted a girlfriend, someone to love and who would love him. But despite being good looking, he felt insecure and awkward around women and could never manage to find a girlfriend or even build up the courage to talk with most girls his age. Due to being diagnosed with a mental illness as a child, he lived on government benefits and received a large sum each month, far in excess of what he really needed to get by.
David was also a cocaine addict, alcoholic and sex addict. Every fortnight, he would get his large installment of money from the government and immediately blow it on cocaine, alcohol and prostitutes.
He would often buy an ounce of cocaine, snort a few lines, call a prostitute and then when it was all over, flush the drugs down the toilet and fall into deep despair, hating himself for what he had done. On occasions like this when he was on the verge of suicide, he would call me up desperate for support. I did what I could and he always appreciated it, but time and time again the same pattern repeated itself. Money, drink, drugs, hookers, despair. Money, drink, drugs, hookers, despair.
In his mind, he told himself the story that “Next time I will not do it again. Next time, I will resist spending the money. Next time I’ll be okay.” But each time he received the money, it was all gone, within 1-2 days, with barely enough left to eat.
One day, he called me up with an idea. He would give me the money to look after for him, and only give him what he needed to buy food. It sounded like a good idea and I agreed to help. He gave me the money and within days, he started calling me up all the time demanding that I give it all back to him; that he needed it for this and that—some new shoes, a new table, whatever. I reminded him that this was meant only for essential things like food but he insisted he really needed the money and so, cautiously, I gave him what he asked for. A few days later, he called up again, crying. He’d blown it all on prostitutes and drugs and wanted to give me all the money again and make sure I didn’t give it back to him under any circumstances. It worked for a while but soon I didn’t hear from him. More and more money came each fortnight and months went by with no word.
One day, I received a desperate call from him. He was a total wreck. An extended drug and sex binge left him sick, bloated, hungover and deeply distressed. He was finding it hard to keep going but was finally willing to change. He admitted he was unable to handle his addiction and needed help.
He changed the story he as telling himself from “next time it will be okay” to “I am an addict. These drugs and urges have power over me and I can’t do this alone. I need help now.” He told himself that unless he received support, his life would be wasted and he may even end up dead, either through trashing his body or suicide. He realized he needed to get his act together, clean himself up and develop a new healthy relationship with women. He admitted his problem, and as his internal story changed, so did his actions.
Instead of just hoping for the best and deluding himself like he had been for many years, he began going to Narcotics Anonymous. At the meetings, he was forced to confront and admit the truth about his addictions and develop a new relationship with himself and others. Once he changed his story and faced reality, he changed his life.
For the last 10 years, he has been clean and sober, solid in his commitment to a meaningful life. Last I heard, he even has a loving girlfriend.
Seeing the Old Story Clearly Makes It Possible to Question It
Telling our old story helps us see what was really going on and turn things around.
The truth is, I have a dysfunctional love-hate relationship with e-media because different aspects are in conflict with each other and I need to get over it.
On the one hand, I love my new iPhone and on the other hand, I hate it and want to throw it away and live without it. But while knowing it’s not a good thing to have, I also love that it looks cool and can do so many cool things and connect me with the world anywhere anytime. I know it’s bad for me and it’s not necessary most the time and offers me endless temptations to waste my time. I hate that it can suck all vast amounts of energy out of me and waste hours of my day. I hate that it’s got more power over me than I’d like to admit.
Okay, so there it is.
I recognize what a problem e-media is for me and yet at the same time, what a blessing it is to be able to impact people all over the world with my work because of it. I admit I am conflicted and am not able to use e-media in a healthy way all the time. I love what it is capable of doing for us and I’m sickened by how easy it is to get lost in it and waste vast swathes of time in trivial distractions.
I think e-media is like eating food that gives you nutrition in small doses but makes you sick if you eat too much. But as an Internet entrepreneur who works for myself, I have no one who can tell me enough is enough. So, I can consume as many emails and videos as I like and it’s up to me, and me alone, to focus on what matters most. And most of the time I do okay.
Sometimes I think e-media is like eating salty potato chips. Once we start, we can get addicted to them and eat the whole pack in one shot only to regret it when we feel sick later on. And maybe it’s okay to do that now and then because ultimately I am doing great.
I also feel bad that other people seem to have no issues with their phones and the Internet while I do. But I think that while there may be some who have not issues with e-media, most people are in denial and just pretending—like I was—that it’s all fine.
I now realize that e-media has been weaponized and I’m no match for it. And so like other drugs and addictions, to break free from it requires awareness, honesty and setting up conditions to make it work and not get trapped.
On the one hand, I want to focus on the big picture things that matter most and bring me the freedom and abundance; and on the other hand, I want to watch movies all day and sit about playing with my phone so I can be numb and distracted from my power and my wounds. It’s both scary and funny at the same time. It’s scary because when I fall into the distraction trance, a couple hours (or more) vanish before my eyes as I watch a movie and check Facebook. It’s funny because when I come out of it and get back on my game, the whole thing appears silly, trivial and absurd. When I wake up, it’s so clear that all these distractions are meaningless and hold no value.
If I’m honest, I love turning off the Internet and leaving it in another room or giving it to my partner to hide and keep away for a weekend. I feel relief when the phone is off and the Internet is not working. I feel free. And yet, that addict side of my is excited to turn it back on again and check social media, text friends and space out looking at the news and playing with apps.
To experience freedom, we need to be willing to admit our addiction to overwork, over stimulation and distraction. We need to admit that e-media has a dark side, and we’re susceptible to its seductive lair.
The Story Michael Told Himself About His Technology Use
E-media is just a tool that I use for my work. Even though it’s distracting, that’s just the way it is and there is nothing I can do about it. My work is mostly online, so of course I need it 24/7 and I need the fastest Internet speed. I need to use computers for everything because they do everything.
And while I know I probably shouldn’t spend so much time in front of the screen, that’s how all my work is done and if I didn’t do it I’d feel bad that I’m not being productive. I used to think I may have a problem with my phone, but when I talked to others they convinced me it’s actually okay so I’m trying to embrace it.
What does it really matter if spend a bit of time on Facebook or watching videos or the news? Doesn’t everyone do it? I’m not anywhere near as bad as so many other people. I don’t play games or watch porn or any of that other stuff.
And frankly, I also need to distract myself with entertainment now and then because my life can be quite intense and a little relief is welcome. I need to know what is going on for my work anyway. It doesn’t really matter. It’s just a movie after all and I only watch good stuff—mostly. But It’s not like I spend all day watching films, so overall I’m doing okay.
And since I live in the middle of nowhere and work online, it’s fine to have random conversations with various people on Facebook because I may be able to help them and learn some things. And I’d never meet them personally so even if it takes more time than I think, it’s probably okay.
The Story Arielle Told Herself About Her Technology Use
Arielle didn’t think she was addicted to her phone. “I just use it for service,” she snapped whenever I questioned her about the hours she spent looking down at her screen. “I don’t have a problem with it, honestly, I barely ever use it. I have a healthy relationship with it. This device allows me to help people all over the world. I feel bad if I don’t get back to people.”
Months went by and she told herself the same story over and over. “My phone is for service. I hardly ever use it. People need me.”
It was a good story and perhaps in the beginning it was true. But soon her story began to unravel.
As the months passed by, Arielle become more and more distraught. She was losing sleep and getting more and more immersed into the online world. One day, she came to me in a frazzled, hopeless state. “I can’t handle this any longer,” she said, phone in hand. “It’s a nightmare. I can’t go on living like this. I can’t handle it. I’m going to explode.” By the look of distress written all over her face, I could tell she was seriously contemplating giving up our business and running away. She looked lost and hopeless, like the animals in the zoo who so desperately wanted to get out, but knew they couldn’t escape.
I asked her some questions and it turned out that she was overwhelmed by the amount of Facebook and WhatsApp messages she was getting and all the endless people who seemed to be in crisis and wanted her time. And yet, she still maintained the story she was telling herself “My phone is for service. I hardly ever use it. People need me.”
I suggested she install an app that tracked her phone use and try to spend less time on the phone. But she couldn’t. She was embroiled in endless conversations and situations.
A week later, I asked her to guess how much time she spends on her phone each day. And she said probably about 10-15 minutes. I then took her phone and opened the app tracker, and it showed 2-3 hours per day!
Her old story had failed in a number of ways
- I hardly ever use it was a blatant lie. She used it for 2-3 hours a day or more.
- I only use it for service. On the surface that was true, but she soon admitted that really, she was using service as an excuse to avoid looking at herself.
- People need me. It turned out that most the people on her endless back and forths did not need her. They were perfectly fine without her and were using her as a way of feeling good and not looking farer themselves—so ultimately, it’s a disservice.
A new story was needed. The new story would be something like this:
“I use my phone a lot more than I think I do. I am using it to distract myself from myself and create a sense of self-importance by being busy. What I really need is to love myself, overcome these things I’m running away from and find the love and connection I seek in my life.”
This new story is a breakthrough.
Write the Story You Currently Tell Yourself About Technology
What about you?
What is your relationship with e-media, overwork and addiction to distraction? What stories do you tell yourself about e-media?
Here’s your chance to be radically honest with yourself and acknowledge the things that can sabotage your experience of freedom, wealth and peace. I invite you to take a few minutes to contemplate the answers of these questions. You may benefit form writing the answers down. Notice what comes up for you as you share. Notice how it makes you feel.
What is really going on here?
How do you speak to yourself in your mind when you think about e-media?
What do you tell yourself about how long you use it?
What do you use if for?
What are your e-media distractions? (write down all the ways you’ve been using it to avoid life)
What have your distractions given you?
What benefits have they given? (e.g. they may help you cope with stressful situations or take your mind off problems)
How have these distractions harmed you?
What have you lost by spending time on them?
Listen to that little voice in your head.
Write your old story. What is really going on for you?
Take your time and just pour your heart out.
Write it out long hand, the full version, starting with the truth.
Exaggerate your voice. Make it bigger and more obvious.
Write it in the voice that is in your head.
Check Which Parts of the Old Story Are Actually True
According to Loehr: “Our stories may or may not conform to the real world. They may or may not inspire us to take hope-filled action to better our lives. They may or may not take us where we ultimately want to go. But since our destiny follows our stories, it’s imperative that we do everything in our power to get our stories right. For most of us, that means some serious editing. To edit a dysfunctional story, you must first identify it. To do that, you must answer the question: ‘In which important areas of my life is it clear that I cannot achieve my goals with the story I’ve got? Only after confronting and satisfactorily answering this question can you expect to build new reality-based stories that will take you where you want to go.”
Write a Replacement Story That Supports How You Want to Live
Our story is our version of reality. It’s through our stories that we see the world. A story helps us make sense of what is going on. Our lives can be a comedy, a tragedy, an action thriller, an adventure, etc. All the different genres of fiction apply to us.
Our private voice is our master storyteller. How we explain the story, the words we use, and the tone we choose have a profound effect on how we interpret the world around us. The seat of power is your private voice and the way you tell yourself what is going on. How you speak to yourself, the way you explain your situation, the way you think about yourself, your life, others and what is really going on.
Change the way your private voice is speaking to you and you change your life. What story are you telling yourself? How do you speak to yourself?
A Useful Replacement Story Must Be True and Lead Somewhere
- Truth: Great stories are grounded in truth.
False stories are not based on truth. They are flawed and false and based on delusion
- Direction: Is the story taking you towards the life you want?
False stories do not move us in the direction we want. They keep us trapped and lost in self-destructive behavior and stagnancy.
- Purpose: What’s the point of life? Why are you doing what you do?
False stories do not help us fulfill our purpose. They are not based on our purpose. Powerful stories start with the theme of your life, what you want and staying with it. Everything you do comes back to that theme.
To really get the most from a digital detox and freedom-based life, we need to have a powerful story around it. We need to be radically honest about how our lives are really going and admit any problems or dysfunctional issues fully, honestly and wholeheartedly. It’s not about shaming ourselves or exaggeration. It’s just about being radically honest and being willing to go to the next level, by refining the way we speak to ourselves and the stories we’ve been telling ourselves.
Use These Questions to Write the Replacement Story
To tell powerful stories and create a powerful life, we need to do three things:
- Expose your old story.
Articulate as clearly as possible your old story that is not working for you in your life.
What is your current story about technology, cellphones and the Internet?
And how is your current story around e-media holding you back from living your highest potential?
In what ways have you been lying to yourself or telling yourself things that are not true?
For example:
- I don’t use e-media very much.
- It’s okay for me to sit down all day long, even if it’s bad for my health, because it’s my job.
- It doesn’t matter that I don’t have any real friends because I have 4,999 friends on Facebook.
- I only use e-media for my work.
- I’ll look after myself and more important things in the future. At the moment, I’m just going to focus on Facebook and I’ll take care of other stuff later.
- Get clear on your mission and purpose in life. What do you really want?
Unless you know what you really want, you cannot tell if your story around e-media is leading you towards where you want to go.
What do you really, really want?
What is the main purpose or your life? What is your mission?
What do you want to leave behind? What is your legacy?
What are your values? What do you value above all else?
What is your best day ever? What lifestyle do you really want?
Write down your answers.
Once you see what you think you want, the things that you REALLY want will stand out. The rest will feel dead. It does take time to know what we really, really want - so don’t force it of rush it.
Normally, what we really want and the real purpose of our lives is very simple; yet, it is deeply meaningful to us and inspires us to take action. You’ll know you are clear when you FEEL strong when you read it.
Your dharma and mission is not what you should do, or what you feel you need to do. It’s a powerful truth that is deep within. It doesn’t have to be complicated or fancy. It just needs to be true and make you feel empowered.
Fill in the following:
What honestly inspires me most is_________________.
The truth is, I only really, really want_______________.
If I only had one main thing to do that would make me feel deeply fulfilled and happy, it would be_____________.
In my heart of hearts what matters most is__________________.
If I only achieved _______________ in my life, I’d be content with myself.
When I look back on my life, as long as I did____________________ I was
happy.
When I feel truly inspired to get up in the morning it is because
___________.
I’m honestly happiest and in my power when___________________.
If I could do anything with my life, I’d love to______________.
Once you’ve written these answers, consider your ultimate purpose.
In the end, my real ultimate purpose Is_________.
- Create a new story that gets you where you want to go.
Your new story is based on your mission. It has truth, purpose and meaning. It is filled with power.
The truth of your new story hits home. It destroys the lies and addictions that have been lingering in the shadows of our false stories.
The truth isn’t always easy to swallow because it can force us to re-think who we are, what we want and how we live our lives. But that’s a good thing!
The purpose of your life gives your new story a reason for existing. Your purpose creates movement and direction in your story. It supports action and change that will take you to your ultimate destination.
Edit and re-write your new story so you come to terms with the past fake story. Expose your old story for what it is and create a new story that is aligned with your purpose, your truth and your mission.
For example:
What Was True in the Past?
The truth is, I’ve been holding myself back by using my cellphone too much to avoid my feelings and run away from my life. I know it’s bad for me, but I’ve been too afraid to deal with it.
What Is True Now?
I now commit to turn this around because ____ (why is this important to you).
I now realize that _______(what lies have you been telling yourself? What new insights have you gained about what’s really going on ).
I am going to start doing_____________ (what CHANGE is going to happen now you have come to terms with your life?)
Write the Story You Want to Follow Now
How will living your truth and getting on your mission help you achieve your ultimate goals?
For Example:
As I face myself fully and live in alignment with my highest vision, my life will be more fun, powerful and free. Having more time away from e-media will give me the chance to face myself fully. It will allow me to focus on what matters most and then share powerfully with those who are resonant.
I’m excited to create_________.
I’m ready to face______.
I’m looking forward to _______.
I’m excited about the possibility of _____.
The Replacement Story Michael Wrote for Himself
The truth is…..
I have not been living up to my potential and could be further along in my life than I am but my relationship to e-media is holding me back.
E-media gave me a false sense of connection I was longing for. It also gives my validation and something to look forward to. It even got me out of bed, literally, so I could check my phone.
I was using it as a way to avoid facing my stuff and hiding from myself and my real mission in life. It helped me be lazy and also kept me busy so I could avoid the real work and real act of living.
While I was trying to ignore it, I admit it now. I have been a distraction addict and in love with my comfort zone. I have had the potential to design my freedom and live a truly epic life a long time ago, but I didn’t do it to my highest potential because there is a part of me that prefers being trapped in my comfort zone. There is a part of me that prefers to be addicted to trivia and entertainment than to embrace the full joys of life.
Even through in many ways I have been successful—more successful than many others—I know in my heart that I’ve been held back due to laziness and comfort seeking. E-media has fueled this by making it easy to be distracted.
The truth is, I’ve held myself back because it’s hard to constantly face myself and do what I need to do. There is a part of me—my lower self—that doesn’t want to evolve and loves wasting time on Facebook and other forms of low-value entertainment because it’s easier. This aspect of my psyche loves obsessively checking my email, looking at reviews for my books, looking at my stats, watching silly videos on YouTube, watching the latest news, checking my phone, texting friends, moving the apps about on my phone, shopping on Amazon, checking my email again, checking Facebook, looking at reviews….and the list goes on and on.
This part of me is terrified at my highest potential and afraid of dealing with unresolved inner issues will do ANYTHING except what I actually need to do. And this laziness makes me feel restless, discontented, needy and sick.
The truth is I’ve been pretending that I’m okay with my phone and the Internet, but really I know it’s a burden and a drain on my energy. I’ve been telling myself that since I have an Internet-based business, that I need to have the Wi-Fi on all the time and keep up to date with everything; but really, I don’t. More often than not, I’ve been using the Internet as a distraction. I can easily turn it off most the time and if I did, I’d actually be far more productive.
I now realize that e-media has been weaponized and I’m no match for it. And so like other drugs and addictions, to break free from it requires awareness, honesty and setting up conditions to make it work and not get trapped.
I realize I need to pull the plug and treat e-media as a real addiction and admit my emotional dependency on it, and fill up my life with so much good vibes and spiritual power that I no longer need e-media to make up for what was missing.
I realize it’s not going to be easy pulling the plug and breaking free because years of distraction and avoidance will need to be undone and I’ll have to face the things I’ve been hiding from. However, I am excited about my new life.
I know that once I overcome the initial challenges, I’ll feel more free, more productive, have better sleep, better relationships and personal growth. I’ll finally be in a position to reach my highest potential and be here now—the place of power where everything happens.
I’m excited about what I can achieve in my new life and this has been a long time coming. I feel excited about myself and what is going on.
I’m excited to have more time, more freedom and more fun.
I’m looking forward to getting things finished and being far more productive.
I’m happy to have more personal relationships and not have to deal with endless email and tedious stuff that I had filled my life with out of obligation and distraction.
I’m excited about my new lifestyle and being at the cutting edge of a new movement into freedom.
I’m happy to serve others because I know as I do it and master it, many others will also find it easy to do as well.
Most of all, I’m excited to feel the bliss and joy of life FULLY; to love my life, to embrace what’s really important and be at peace with myself and my world.
Write Your Own Replacement Story
Based on what you just learned, edit your old story or re-write it entirely. What would you like your new story to be?